The Lie
He ever so slightly turned his head to the side with a slight tilt upward, creating the cliched effect of “looking down one’s nose” at someone. Once he established his superiority over his victim, he said, “I’m not going to lie to you, but……”. In doing this he implies that he is an honest person and it is his obligation to tell the person only the truth. I witnessed this event a number of years ago and it made me think. What was really going on? Why did he say that? What was he really saying? What was his motive for saying that?
Even early on, like most, I learned about body language before I knew it was body language. And this person could not control his as much as he may have tried. It spoke, no screamed, more about him than he ever would have confessed about himself. His words were carefully chosen to aid his masquerade of what his true intentions were. His intentions were not to be honest, but rather to inflict sting of a verbal dagger. He could not have cared less about truth, but rather, how he could make the other person suffer.
I don’t remember what the victim had asked. It may have been something about her appearance. There may have actually been a bit of truth in the response, but it was delivered in a way to cause the most damage to the other person’s soul. It was not a “Let me hold your hand, what I have to tell you is hard for me to do, but I love you and feel you should know” answer. It was a, “You asked and I’m going to tell you and I’m going to enjoy making you hurt” answer.
Now I knew both the victim and the perpetrator. The so called honest person was not. On occasions he would talk friendly to people he wanted, with a lie here and there so as not to offend them, but after they left, he would critically rip them apart, and enjoyed it. His choice of lying and telling the truth was one of convenience for himself and his pleasure in hurting others.
At times, as with children, we tell innocent lies to encourage them and develop self-esteem. Later on as they grow, we you slowly decrease false praise and teach them that sometimes they have to do better. It is part of growing up. One must learn that the real world doesn’t continue praise when you don’t deserve it. And even at times when you do, it may not come. We learn that truth can be necessary for our own self-evaluation and sometimes we need to get honest answers so we can see where we must improve in our lives. And that doesn’t come from those who revel in our deficiencies, but rather from those who truly care about us and who will honestly, with great pain on their part, give us constructive criticism. And as hard and painful as it may be on our part, we should listen.
Why did the “honest person” do this to you? It could be one of many reasons. Was it because of his own low self-esteem? Did he, in some warped way, believe you to be a threat to people and must inflict damage on others first before someone does it to him? Was it the way he dealt with everyone to keep himself at a safe distance so as not to get hurt? Or was it because he just enjoys being mean?
Ever since that day, I work at not being that kind of “honest” person. It is not easy in that you know sometimes you have to tell someone something and it may not go well. You know that it could hurt your relationship with that person. You know how you would feel if it happened to you. Sometimes the truth needs to be said to help the other person, and you don’t have any wrongful motive in doing it. And sometimes, a kind yet less than honest word is fine. There will be no harm done and all will be ok in the world. There are many factors to consider when sharing thoughts and opinions and we do it constantly everyday. Good people know when to tell the truth in a way that is meant to help and not hurt. Good people know when to tell an innocent lie and not for some self-serving purpose. And since we are human, we are not perfect, and should just do our best to strive everyday to become like those good people.
Roger Willard
Willard Hypnosis Center
www.willardhypnosis.com
Roger & Patricia Willard©2009